Recently I've been trying to figure out what happened to me.  I have the vague thought that maybe I'm asking the wrong question.  But, for the time it stands, what happened to me?  I remember clearly my life before the insanity, it wasn't so bad.  So, how did I end-up of the wrong path?

I think my obsession really centers around being like other people.  At least that's how I remember it.  What I don't recall is why?  It was probably normal teenage angst that first day of high school.  What happened after that was no where close to normal. 

I don't remember having a lot of friends.  But, I've come to not trust my memory.  It seems I'm not a reliable witness.  I do remember how it felt to be there, but even that is a vague recollection from the first year. 

Here's my the abbreviated story, as I remember it, as truthful as I can be.  I'm not sure if I'll post this or keep it up for long if I do.  I'm not doing this to hurt anyone or place any blame.  I'm afraid of the consequences of posting this too.  But, if I'm honest with myself right now, I've already humiliated myself and embarrassed those around me that cared a thousand times. 

I can't remember my first drink.  I do remember being really young when I started stealing my dad's liquor.  I also remember being really young when I started lying about smoking pot.  I don't know if anyone else in my fourth grade class was lying but I was.  I don't even know why I thought I should lie.


That ends today's portion of the story.  Tomorrow, I'll try to pick this up again.

Current Mood: contemplative

I am having an excellent set of days.  It's about time really.  Everyone always says the same thing when life isn't going well, "keep your head, it only gets better"  That's always so hard to believe at the moment then too.  It's amazing how in an instant we can forget all of our accomplishments and be so sure we are destined to doom. 
Well January was hell, but February is only getting better.  I love how I finally have a plan for my life and it actually works.  Well not exactly a plan for life but the next couple of months at least.  I don't know I could actually say it works either.  Things do seem to be falling in the general direction I want.  For the moment...
I'm cautiously excited.  I think that says todays mood best.  I want to be so happy with myself because I have done well.  I'm concerned because it is only a matter of time before the tide turns again though.  As usual I've struggled making some choices but I'm finding myself pretty happy with the results so far.
Ok, well I'm at Marks so I should probably hang out with him for a bit.... he he I just had to chk my e-mail... I think I'm starting to like having a little journal here.

Current Location: Marks'
Current Mood: cheerful

You couldn't protect me from your wife, let alone her family.

and

You were a coward, so content in just laying down you expect me to do the same.

We were beaten, emotionally neglected, and verbally abused, isolated we thought that was all there was.

I was born a victim, but it is my choice to be strong.  I will not be dis-respected, put down, or harmed. 

It's hard to be alone, but this is world is mine.  No one can take this away from me.  I'm first, and i'm not ashamed of that anymore.

i’m sorry

I want love,

maybe I should have stayed.  who am i to demand respect? what did I think I was achieving?

I want a hug that means something.  I want to feel.  People come and go, in a room filled with people i feel alone.  how cliche.. 

what am I doing? what do i want?

The honest answer is I walked away, I wanted to be alone, I wanted to be myself, to stand alone.

i can't take it, or can i?

I can have anything I want, do i really I want this?  Sure I have more freedom then ever.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just don't think I like who I see in mirror when I get there.

People have flaws,. I couldn't deal with anyone's flaws so i left., but now I want someone to except me for mine. How ironic?

Life is a trip, for all the people I didn't love enough I'm sorry. 

Life is what you make it.

If you don't like your life, if your not happy, i think that it is your chioce.  We can choose to be happy. 

I think lasting happiness comes when we can accept life's flaws.  How would i ever appreciate a sunny day if i never saw the rain?

I believe every one, every where, is doing exactly what they want to be doing, or they wouldn't be doing it.  No one can force us to do anything, if you don't want to, stop. 

Many things are out of our control but we are always in control of ourselves. 

Remember it's all in love, smile. :D

"Pledge of Resistance"

The Pledge is written by Starhawk and Saul Williams, in the style of free verse, beginning:

We believe that as people living
in the United States it is our
responsibility to resist the injustices
done by our government,
in our names

Not in our name
will you wage endless war

         Not in our name
         will you erode the very freedoms
         you have claimed to fight for

        Another world is possible
        and we pledge to make it real... (continued)

It does go on, gl finding the whole pledge, if anyone does will you please forward me the link I would be interested in reading the whole thing.

    NION

    Not In Our Name
    http://www.notinourname.net/about.html

    Statement of Consciousness
    http://www.nion.us/NSOC/NION2wsigninfo.htm


Shut It Down
http://www.pephost.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=7813

WCW
 World Can't Wait
 http://worldcantwait.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=blogcategory&id=0&Itemid=2

Hmmm, un-American?

I over think things, I always have.  Thinking is good.  Over thinking will get you in a lot of trouble. 

In school when I was young I would read so far into a question that I answered questions that weren't even there.  The result, getting questions wrong that I knew the answer to.

Now that I'm a little older, and my questions don't come on test sheets but come in the form of life's challenges.  I find over and over again that I still over think things. 

The problem is I don't just miss points on a quiz anymore, now its life.

Judge me,

This is me, I hope to always be honest about who I am, what I do, where I want to go.

Judge me, if you feel you must.  I can accept any judgment you pass, because I know the only judgment that counts is my own.  I have to live with my mistakes. 

All I can say, is this is me.  Take my actions louder then words, but listen.  If your kind enough to give me the chance I am strong enough to bare the verdict.

I hope to always remain true to myself.

If you don't like me, there are billions of people on this rock, try another.